How to Fight Fair in a Relationship

UHow often do you just want to talk about a problem and it ends up in a full blown screaming match?  Would you like to learn how to stop it escalating into a slinging match of who can hurt the other the most? Well I’ve listed below a few rules that I teach my clients when they come in for couples counselling.

Tips for how to fighting fair in a relationship

• Speak to your partner in the tone and volume of voice you would like to be spoken in yourself

• Use words that are respectful, non blaming and non toxic

• Don’t bring up past fights or use phrases like “you never let me finish what I’m saying” or “You always turn things around”

• Only bring up 1 subject at a time and then let the other person answer fully

• Don’t talk over the other person, let them finish what they need to say on that 1 subject, you know if you interrupt they’re not listening to you anyway, so wait until they’ve finished what they saying

• If alcohol is involved walk away, no-one thinks straight (or remembers what they’ve said) when they’ve got a skin full. Resolve to talk about it when you’re both sober and able to think clearly

• Don’t ask a question if you don’t already know the answer. If you’re trying to get a specific answer out of the other person. This is manipulative and doomed to failure because you may not like the answer you receive
• Use conflict resolution tools such as  “When you …..(eg yell and swear) I feel …. (eg scared and frightened) Because ….. (eg You’re a big man and you seem to grow bigger when you get angry and your bigness frightens me)

• Own how you’re feeling. Don’t blame the other person for where you are emotionally (eg You always make me feel like crap when you speak to me like a child)

• Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Find out what you’re really fighting about. Are you just fighting for attention or is there a real problem that needs to be sorted out, that is what you both need to figure out

• And remember if you want different you have to do different, so what are you going to do differently today?

• These are just a few of the skills and tools we discuss in a couples counselling sessions. Usually I tailor everything to specifically help you learn to fight fair and stay out of the snake pit of toxic warfare

Helpful Links

Here is a link to the Relationship Counselling page on my website

This is an interesting article on Fighting Fair in a relationship

This is another helpful article from John and Julie Gottman on fighting in a relationship