Internal vs External Self Esteem

We now live in a world where speed is prioritised, multitasking is expected. And everyone feels entitled to have a say in everyone else’s affairs. What happened to respect, compassion, and minding our own business without feeling the need to opine on everything?

It’s disheartening that so many people derive their identity from external factors rather than who they are as individuals. People often define themselves by the house they live in, the car they drive, the job they have and the school their children attend. Our true sense of self should come from within, like reverse osmosis. Relying on external validation is like consuming high GI food—it leaves you hungry soon after. Similarly, outsourcing your identity, emotions, and aspirations to external sources leads to a temporary and unstable sense of self.

This issue becomes evident in relationships where one partner cannot or will not express their wants and needs. Men often miss subtle hints. If you admire a handbag while shopping and comment, “Wow, I love that bag. Expecting your partner to buy it for your birthday is unrealistic. Instead, directly saying, “I love that bag. My birthday is coming up, I would love if you to bought it, if you haven’t planned something already.” This clear communication can lead to much better outcomes. This can also can prevent misunderstandings, disappointment and frustration.

I have a friend who frequently returns gifts from her husband because she believes he should know her well enough to choose the right present without her input. This mindset only breeds resentment, confusion and arguments. Even when given the chance to express their desires, some people struggle to be honest about their needs.

For example, a couple I worked with had a wife who was very unhappy, but she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her husband why. During a session, I asked her to directly state her needs without justification. After several attempts and growing frustration, she finally expressed that she wanted 30 minutes of TV-free time after dinner to talk. Her husband immediately agreed, but she didn’t hear him because she was too focused on justifying her request. This scenario highlights how low self-esteem can prevent people from feeling entitled to have their needs met, leading to communication breakdowns and unresolved issues in relationships.

Conclusion

In conclusion, our modern society’s emphasis on speed, multitasking, and external validation has led many people to lose touch with their true selves, relying instead on superficial markers of identity. This external focus not only creates a fragile sense of self-worth but also strains personal relationships. Clear and direct communication is crucial in overcoming these challenges. By recognising and addressing the need for internal validation and self-awareness, individuals can foster healthier relationships and a more resilient sense of self. Embracing who we are from the inside out, and expressing our needs openly, can lead to more authentic and fulfilling connections with others.

Helpful Links for Self Esteem

Here is a link to the home page of my website

This is a link to an interesting article on Self Esteem and external validation

Here is another article you might find interesting on mental health and self esteem