Rigid Thinkers in Relationships

I have noticed recently, most arguments are about converting the other person to their way of thinking. This is done without any allowance or acceptance of the other person’s thoughts, beliefs, needs, wants or desires. This can be about money t, how the children should be parented, how to make spag bol (no really!!).  Most arguments can be sorted out if there is some sort of collaboration, there are few that can’t.  Recently I had a couple who have been married 8 years. They had such opposing beliefs (he wants kids, she does not & they didn’t discuss it prior to getting married!!).  Neither were prepared to budge & I agreed they both had valid needs, wants & desires.  They just went on for the next 5 years, doing nothing, not discussing it again, hoping something would change. 

Rigid Thinking Clinical Examples

They were now sitting in my office, so obviously nothing had changed.  So, what do you do to support clients around a non-negotiable thought, belief, need, want or desire?  Good questions & there’s no actual answer for that.  Sometimes, the only option is to separate & divorce, if they didn’t, one of them (or both) would end up resentful.

If, the need isn’t so drastically opposed, then it’s about supporting them to agree to disagree.  I recently had a couple with parenting issues, he was free range & she was helicopter.  You would think these two styles wouldn’t work well together; however, they do.  I had them to tell the other person what they wanted in regards to their own parenting needs & they negotiated a compromise. 

Their 4 yo boy was demanding & would loose the plot if not given what he wanted in that moment.  She would give in & become angry & resentful. He would make the child wait an appropriate amount of time until the behaviour stopped.  So, they agreed that when the boy would act out, he would step in & be more assertive with the child. This allowed her to take a breath & have a new experience of him stepping up in the parenting role.  It’s wasn’t easy to start with, however they are doing better more often then not.

Conclusion

Rigid thinking can severely damage relationships by creating unrealistic expectations and hindering open communication. This inflexible mindset often manifests as all-or-nothing thinking, where individuals perceive situations in extreme terms, unable to find compromise or see nuances. Rigidity can lead to persistent conflict, as one or both partners may insist on their viewpoint as the only valid one, making mutual understanding and resolution challenging. Without the ability to see different perspectives, partners struggle to connect and empathise with each other, resulting in a strained and unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Helpful Links for Rigid Thinkers

Here is a link back to the Relationship Counselling page on my website

This is a link to an interesting article on Rigid Thinking

Here is another interesting article on how rigid thinking can affect you