Do Men and Women Have Affairs for the Same Reasons?
When people discover a partner has been unfaithful, one of the first questions they ask is, Why? Was it about sex? Was it about love? Was the relationship already in crisis?
For years, there has been a common belief that men have affairs primarily for sex, while women have affairs because they’re emotionally unfulfilled. While there is some truth to those stereotypes, modern research suggests the reality is far more complex. Men and women are often driven by many of the same underlying needs, although those needs may be expressed differently.
Current research suggests that approximately 20–25% of married people report having engaged in infidelity at some point, with the historical gender gap narrowing considerably over recent decades.
More Similar Than Different
Studies over the past two decades show that both men and women commonly report similar reasons for having affairs, including:
- Feeling emotionally disconnected from their partner.
- Loneliness or a lack of affection.
- Feeling unappreciated or taken for granted.
- A desire for excitement, novelty or validation.
- Low self-esteem and wanting to feel attractive or desired.
- Relationship conflict or poor communication.
- Opportunity combined with weak boundaries.
Rather than being solely about sex or love, affairs often arise when feel disconnected from their partner and an opportunity arises.
Where the Differences Tend to Lie
Although there is considerable overlap, some differences remain.
On average, men are somewhat more likely to describe sexual dissatisfaction, physical attraction or the excitement of novelty as important motivations. Women, on average, are more likely to report emotional neglect, feeling unseen or craving deeper connection before becoming involved with someone else.
However, these are averages—not rules. Many men have affairs because they feel emotionally lonely, and many women have affairs for sexual excitement or adventure.
The stereotype that “men cheat for sex and women cheat for love” simply doesn’t reflect the complexity of real relationships.
It’s Rarely Just One Reason
Affairs usually develop through a combination of factors rather than a single cause.
Someone who feels lonely at home may meet a colleague who listens without judgement. A partner who has lost confidence may be flattered by unexpected attention. A relationship that has become predictable may leave both people craving novelty.
The affair becomes less about the other person and more about what that relationship represents—feeling alive, valued, understood or wanted.
Affairs Don’t Always Mean the Relationship Is Over
Surprisingly, many people who have affairs report that they still love their partner. Think of Hillary Clinton. She was cheated on the world stage and she decided to stay with Bill. That was a gutsy move and she was condemned and put down for it.
That doesn’t excuse the betrayal, nor does it minimise the pain it causes. But it reminds us that affairs are often symptoms of unmet needs, poor communication, unresolved personal issues or ineffective coping strategies rather than proof that love has disappeared.
Some relationships end after infidelity. Others, with honesty, accountability, transparency and professional support, emerge stronger because the affair forces long-ignored issues into the open. It also allows the couple to take off the rose coloured glasses and see their partner for who they are, not who the think the person is.
A Counsellor’s Perspective
After many years of working with couples and individuals, one thing becomes clear: affairs are rarely as simple as people imagine.
They are usually not caused by one bad decision or one unhappy moment. They often develop slowly through emotional distance, disconnection, unmet needs, poor boundaries and missed opportunities for honest conversations.
Understanding why an affair happened is never about excusing it. It is about understanding the dynamics that made it possible. This is imperative for both people, not just one.
Whether the person who strayed is a man or a woman, the path towards healing begins not with stereotypes, but with curiosity, accountability, transparency and a willingness to understand what was happening beneath the surface.
Ultimately, people don’t have affairs because they are male or female. They have affairs because they are human—and human beings are vulnerable to loneliness, disconnection, temptation and the desire to feel seen.
References
Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Glass, S. P. (2005).
Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.008