Is Desire Really Fading… or Is It Novelty?

One of the most common things I hear from long-term couples is, “The spark has gone.” They assume desire has faded and something must be wrong with the relationship, themself or their partner.

But what if it’s not desire that’s fading?

What if it’s novelty?

In the early stages of a relationship, everything is new. Every conversation, every touch and every shared experience releases dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical. New feels exciting because it’s unpredictable.

Years later, life becomes familiar. You know your partner’s habits, routines and responses. While familiarity builds trust and security, it doesn’t always create excitement.

Many couples mistake the loss of newness for the loss of love.

The truth is, love and desire aren’t the same thing. Love often grows through familiarity, while desire thrives on curiosity, discovery and a little mystery. The person sitting across from you today isn’t the same person you met years ago—they’ve continued to grow, just as you have. The question is: are you still discovering each other?

Novelty doesn’t require a new partner. As Esther Perel said “Fire needs air.” This is one of Perel’s best-known ideas. Her work suggests that while intimacy thrives on closeness, erotic desire also needs space, individuality, and novelty.

John Gottman said, rather than focusing specifically on novelty, his research emphasises maintaining curiosity about your partner through continually updating your “Love Maps”—knowing their inner world, dreams, stresses and aspirations as they evolve over time.

Arthur Aron’s research found that couples who regularly engaged in new, challenging and exciting activities together reported higher relationship satisfaction and increased feelings of closeness than couples who stayed within familiar routines.

Research by Esther Perel, Dr John Gottman and Arthur Aron all points in a similar direction: shared new experiences and ongoing curiosity help keep emotional and physical connection alive.

It might be as simple as trying something different together, changing your routine, or asking questions you haven’t asked in years.

• What are you excited about right now?
• What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?
• What’s a dream you still want to pursue?

Long-term love doesn’t need a new partner. Sometimes it simply needs new experiences with the one you already have.

Perhaps the question isn’t, “Where has our desire gone?”

Perhaps it’s, “When did we stop being curious?”

References

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.

TLC – Relationship Counselling Sutherland Shire – TLC – Toni Langford Counselling