Divorce May Be Down… But Are Couples Really Happier?

A headline in last weekend’s Sunday Telegraph caught my attention:

“Divorce down but row goes up.”

At first glance, that sounds like good news. Fewer couples are divorcing. But as a counsellor, I found myself asking a different question.

Are relationships actually healthier, or are people simply staying together for different reasons?

There are plenty of practical reasons couples may choose not to separate. The cost of living, housing affordability, children, shared finances and the emotional upheaval of divorce can all make staying together feel like the easier option. Additionally, the fear of being alone, dying alone, having no-one there in their old age are also huge concerns I hear in my practice.

But staying together isn’t the same as staying connected.

One of the biggest myths about relationships is that happy couples don’t argue. They do. Every couple disagrees from time to time. It’s not human to not have an opinion and not voice it.

The difference isn’t whether couples argue—it’s how they argue.

Over the years, I’ve found that most couples don’t come to counselling because they’ve stopped loving each other. On the contrary, most couples come to see me, saying they still love their partners.  They come because they’ve stopped feeling heard, seen, acknowledge or all three. Conversations become criticisms, misunderstandings turn into resentment, and before long they’re protecting themselves instead of protecting the relationship.

Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman found that conflict itself doesn’t predict divorce. What matters is whether couples can repair after an argument. A genuine apology, a moment of humour, taking responsibility or simply saying, “Help me understand what you’re feeling,” can completely change the direction of a difficult conversation.

Children don’t need parents who never disagree. They need parents who show them that disagreements can be worked through with respect, kindness and empathy. As a parent our role is to give our children three things;

Roots – a safe place to be who they are, what they feel, this includes boundaries, a work ethic and how to be a good person in society

Wings – the ability to learn from their own mistakes

An authentic parental role model – when we’re say or angry or disappointment, if our child asks us what we’re feeling, we are truthful, role modelling to them there is no bad emotions or feelings, just wrong ways to express them

Perhaps that’s the conversation we should be having.

Rather than celebrating lower divorce rates alone, maybe we should also be asking whether couples feel emotionally safe, respected and connected.

Because success isn’t simply measured by staying married.

It’s measured by how you treat each other while you’re there.

What do you think? Is staying together always a sign of a healthy relationship, or has the meaning of commitment changed over the years?

References

Australian Bureau of Statistics – Marriages and Divorces, Australia

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

The Gottman Institute – Research on conflict, communication and relationship repair.